That Lady
See that lady?
The one slaving over a hot stove.
Making breakfast, dinner and lunch.
For the fool that comes home
At six in the morning,
Because she knew she ain’t gonna be home later today.
Working for every single dime and penny she earns.
See that lady?
Don’t you ever say anything bad to her.
Because to her,
You mean the world to her.
You’re her shinning star.
See that lady?
Love her with all your heart.
As if she was the last person in the world.
Because, she’ll always be there for you.
See that lady?
We got a name for her.
I call her mommy.
And she means the world to me.
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Side Note: Hi, nice to meet you. I'm new to the site and all.
I know fully well, that I'm suppose to review twice before submitting a poem or story.
Though, I'm a little on the shy side. I like to hide and to never be found.
(Took a whole lot of self talking to get myself to post this.) Many apologize, if anything.
Also, I would like to say, that I was not sure of where to put this.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I love the way you have described 'mommy' in this poem because her role comes out quite vividly in this poem. However, one possible error that i noticed was in the last stanza;
[quote]we got a name for her, i call her mommy.
I thought that 'We' followed by 'I 'broke the continuity since 'We' have a name depicts unison in giving her a name but the next line shows that 'mommy' is your chosen name for her. Maybe you could consider changing that by, say, writing 'we call her mommy'.
Otherwise, great piece of work. Keep it up!
Welcome!
Have you introduced yourself over at the Welcome forum?
Don't hesitate to post your work, as long as you have edited and revised it to the best of your aiblity.
We won't bite you.
I've got to hand it to you, this is a lovely poem; full of meaning and emotion. Kudos for that!
Few ways you could have improved the poem:
That bit seems like an extremely important part of the woman's life. Tell us a little more about that aspect.
that line too, i felt was really important and should elaborated on. Show us that what it's like to mean the world to someone.
Lovely way to end the poem. However, the last line could have been more original.
Overall:
Very nicely done! I recommend that you find elements in this poem that you can elaborate on and give the readers more insight into the life of that lady. Somehow make it more original.
You poem makes me want to get up and give my Mom a big hug. Good job!
-Zehra